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New Year's resolution...to not feel sad...

New Year’s…another big moment in time we are supposed to be excited about and celebrate. Its the next most wonderful time of the year. Bah, humbug... (I'm not really that cynical, read on).


Sure, new year’s brings an opportunity for renewal and a fresh start. Generally, this holiday creates space for us to reflect, looking at the amazing things that happened, the painful things that happened, the people, places and things we have lost and people, places and things that have come into our lives. This time of year, symbolizes an end and new beginnings. We can feel conflicting feelings because an end signifies change. Change is hard. Loss is painful.


This time of year, is particularly challenging those who are grieving. They may be thinking their new year’s resolution should be to feel better, get over it, be less sad because they are tired of making themselves are others uncomfortable. We aren't taught how to lose things we are taught how to acquire things. Grief is an uncomfortable topic.

So, you've decided you are going to feel better, it isn’t possible without action. You can’t quit grieving and you can't outrun it. Grief is a part of your heart beat. Grief is the love we pour out into the void of our broken hearts. The void we cannot fill. Grief is love and love grows love. But you can work through letting go of the pain you are carrying. It takes effort, commitment, willingness, honesty, openness and most of all courage. It’s not something that just happens within time. Time does not heal.


During this time of year, many grievers may even feel more alone. The new year can be an even bigger reminder of what we have lost. The new year looks very different for grievers. As we enter into a new year it can be a trigger, reminding us that the person, place or thing we lost won’t be there with us. We are alone. We can be overcome with our grief.


Please note in the follow paragraphs I am not giving you permission to do anything. You are the person in control of what you do and how you do it. You don't need anyone's permission. I'm a sharing the things I have learnt and believe are helpful.



I just want to say please be compassionate with yourself during this time of year (or any other time of year) this is difficult. Maybe don't make any of those trendy resolutions that we are encouraged to make so we can feel better, like working out more, eating less or start a gratitude journal. All with the intent to make our lives better so we don't feel the pain of loss we are feeling. Nothing feels better than...insert. Even in our distraction the pain is still there and will show up when we least expect it. We need to be gentle with ourselves. Let's accept that our grief is a part of our new year. We cannot out run our grief; our grief will always find us because grief demands our attention.


Allow yourself to be honest and feel. To be vulnerable, if only with yourself to start with before opening up to someone else. (Not everyone has earned the right to know our story). We can be afraid of the intense emotions that come with a significant emotional loss because we have never been taught how to grieve. We have been taught how to “act fine” and hide those sad feelings of pain we carry. It can be scary when we allow ourselves to feel those feelings of sadness, we can feel like we are not functioning like everyone else, like we are a problem. Grief is unique to you and your relationship to the person, place of thing you lost. So no, you’re not a problem, your heart is broken.


So you might be asking yourself "Am I always going to feel this way?" I can't answer that for you. Its your journey, but I can share some things I've learnt about grief recovery.


How do we feel better? Who will we be after? Can we go back to who we were before the loss occurred?? How do we recover from the pain of loss we are carrying? What if I forget them? All these questions can bring up fear...fear of the unknown. Right now we know our grief. In a way we have become comfortable in, we find our new identity in it.


Letting go of the pain of loss isn’t about going back to who we were before our loss, its about growing within the changes that we have experience through our loss. Its not about moving on, its about moving forward. Don’t expect too much from yourself too soon as you walk through the process of healing from the pain you are carrying. Its hard work and it requires you to be brave enough to dig into the pain. In order to heal we need to sit with our grief and our pain of loss, we need to put language to it, feel it, be vulnerable and honest. We need to let go of expectations of what we think we should feel and feel whatever sadness we are feeling in the moment, knowing it’s a normal and natural emotional response to loss.


Its important that you give yourself the empathy, love and comfort you would give to a friend or loved one.


Anchored Grief Recovery is place where truth, hope, courage, love and unity reside, anchored in Grief Recovery using The Grief Recovery Method® (GRM) program. I am an advanced GRM specialist using this evidence-based program trained through the Grief Recovery Institute. The Grief Recovery Method is education not therapy, although very therapeutic. I am also trained in Trauma informed facilitation, as well as completing the Science of Hope Program, Suicide Prevention Gatekeeper Program all through the Imagine Institute of learning. The GRM is an action-based program helping grievers move through the pain of loss to recovery. Recovery from loss is achieved by a series of small and correct choices. It’s not about forgetting, it’s about letting go of the pain associated with our loses.

Healing from the pain of loss requires us to be honest and let ourselves feel the feelings of our loss and grief.


How soon after loss can we begin to recover? Grieving people need and want to feel heard; so, effective recovery can begin almost immediately.


This method is not just for people who are grieving from the death of loved one. It is helpful to anyone who has experienced the pain of loss from those lost hopes, dreams, and expectations we had for the relationship with the person place or thing we have lost. It is for anyone looking to let go of the hope that things could have been better, different or more in and for anyone who wants to overcome those behaviors of avoiding our painful feelings, numbing them by using short term distraction. Its for anyone who is seeking new tried and true approaches to find, express, and process their true feelings in a supportive environment. It is for anyone seeking to be fully present in their life, fully feeling each moment without the fear of being hurt again.


I believe that everyone would benefit from taking in The Grief Recovery Method®, regardless of life experiences. We will all experience loss in this life, that is the one thing we all have in common. There are over 40 different types of loss we can experience in a life time. This program provides a map to recovery from painful losses with supportive guidance every step of the way.


The Grief Recovery Method® is not about forgetting, we cannot forget someone or something that we deeply cared for or has been significant in our lives. Accepting our loss and moving through our pain is not the same as forgetting. We can move through our lives keeping the honest memories apart of you. In fact, as we move through our lives, these memories become more integral in defining who we are as people.


“We run from grief because loss scares us,

yet our hearts reach toward grief

because the broken parts want to mend.”

Brené Brown


Love from,


Kath



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