Last night as I lay in bed, I looked over to your side and it was cold and empty. You are no longer there beside me. Our bed has become my bed. My throat began to constrict, my ears began to burn and my breath began to quicken as the ocean of tears began to fall. I reached over to the emptiness, longing for you. You were always the person who calmed my aching heart without having to say a word because our hearts did the communicating. You would hold me close, stroke my hair and let me be free to be emotional, messy, and real. You never judged me or made me feel less than for feeling weak. You made me feel strong at my most vulnerable.
I have never felt safe enough to be that way with anyone else but you. Not because of them, because of me. Trust is hard for me but with you it never was, because you knew my heart. You knew me, all of me, the real me, and you loved me despite my faults and flaws. You simply loved me for me. I felt most myself with you. I felt loved.
You are who I want and you are who I need.
Today feels much like last night except its daylight. The ache takes my breath away. Tears keep coming as I shake my head in disbelief that this has become my life, my life without you. Its not supposed to be this way.
…just when you think it might just get a little easier … the realness of not having you here with me sinks in. Remembering our last moments, wishing I had said more or said less, wishing I could have held you in my arms instead of only being able to hold your hand. So many things I wish were different but I can’t change a thing. All I can do is miss you, love you, remember you and pray we will meet again, someday soon.
I often wonder … will we meet again on that beach you loved so much, with the white sand and teal blue water glistening in the sunset? Will you be young and will I be old or will we both be old or will we both be young? What will it matter, we will still be us. Will we cry or laugh or do both as we look into each other’s eyes, holding each other tightly. Then will you take my hand to lead me home with you to our forever?
When I think of that possibility I can almost breath fully again, my heart stops racing and my tears slow to a trickle. If there is a heaven, I know you will be there and you will greet me with your arms and heart wide open. I will feel your love.
So, just when I thought I had this grief thing handled, I know I don’t. I can’t control the emotion of my love or of my grief, I need to feel it all. You know I wouldn’t change this pain I carry because it’s part of our story. The really sad part.
Now, I can’t say it gets easier because my love for you doesn’t become less so how could it be easy. Our love was so big so of course the loss I feel is BIG. The pain of losing you is etched deep in my heart because it is a part of loving you. I will love you forever and always. You are my forever.
I can say there is hope in spite life without you, its just a little bit harder to see through my tears. Till we meet again, my love.
Love forever,
Kath