Why was I the person who didn’t get the messages or signs from above? I started thinking maybe my faith wasn't strong enough or maybe I didn't deserve to hear from him. Maybe I’d done something wrong.
When I hear of others finding signs, having dreams, or feeling their loved one’s presence near them, I am jealous. Jealous that they get to connect one more time and I don’t.
Is the only thing I have left of him memories and the pain to hold onto?
I needed more…
I went on a search to find someone who could bring me to John. A medium. Someone who would connect us. Someone who would feel his presence and tell me how I could feel him near. Someone John could speak through. So, I went on the hunt. I found someone who had great reviews and had been in the medium/psychoanalyses/mystic business for over 40 years. I skeptical but still wanting to believe it was possible to talk with him or feel his presence or have him give me sign he was near.
I booked a meeting, paid my money and we met on facetime. She was a bit older than me, sweet, kind and dove right into my loss quickly. Now, if you follow me on social you know I’m an open book. But there are some parts I don't share and no one knows except John and I. I felt like she wouldn't have a hard of time telling me things she thought I needed to hear if she had gone through my social media accounts. I tried not to let my open book cloud my acceptance of what she would bring to me. In this meeting with her, in this meeting with him. She told me things that she could have read about us on social...but maybe she really could have connected with him and shared her honest experience. I won’t know for sure till John and I meet again and he can tell me face to face. But…she did have some insight and signs that he was present. She told me things only we would know. He was letting me know he was with us. That unsettled me. I wasn’t afraid I was just unprepared for someone we didn't know to share things they had know way of knowing.
We spoke for an hour and I got to ask him some questions which felt weird because I wasn’t sure how to ask him…should I do it through her or just talk to him myself? To be honest I felt awkward, afraid and shy. So, I went through her… it felt like the right thing to do. If he really was there I know he was laughing at me but also thinking of a way to make sure I knew he was there.
Before I spoke I had to take a few deep breaths because I was afraid of what he would say, if he really was there, regarding some of my questions. I didn't want to cry. I was afraid that I hadn’t done enough for him. I was afraid I messed up. I was afraid I disappointed him in the end. In the middle of my questions she looked at me and told me sweetly “He says you made the right decision and to stop beating yourself up for it.” He told her I did the right thing and he thanked me for having the courage to do it. He told her we gave him the best care. He felt safe and loved till he took his last breath. He told her to tell me I’m on the right path and I need to keep doing the work. He told her he was proud of me. I wept. I could hardly compose myself. I wanted to believe everything she was saying. I needed to believe everything she was saying.
She never said what exactly he was referring to when he said I did the right thing, but I knew and I so desperately needed to hear what he said through her.
I don’t know if what she said was some generic line mediums used in general terms for those of us left with things we wished had been resolved and made clearer to all of us before our loved ones dies so we don't hold onto that guilt, regret or pain. Regardless of what the truth really is I will hold onto that moment and his words. I know he knew how very much I loved him and that I would do anything for him. He knew he was loved when he took his last breath, when he left this earth. That I can hold onto and live with.
She told me I knew deep down when he was with me and not to question if a sign or feeling happened. If I thought it was him to believe it, because it was him. Now because of this encounter I’ve found I have had a few of those moments where I felt his presence. Ones I had dismissed. The clearest one was just after he died if you know, you know. I truly believe he was letting us know he was okay. It was a clear sign to me at the time. I remember I laughed and said out loud "He's letting us know he is okay." She told me that that was exactly what he was doing.
I see this number sequence 11:11 all the time. I see it on my phone, my watch, on TV, at a games and many other places. I think this might be a thing and it became apparent yesterday when Rayna shared the time she was leaving the hospital ward after her emergency surgery…it was 11:11. I believe it was a sign he was there watching over her and making sure she was okay.
As I write this tears are streaming down my face. There are days when I am angry and frustrated in this process of life without John and living with a grief that is gutting me.
Grief, I am now very acquainted with your company. I understand you go hand and hand with the love I have for him so I embrace you and I hate you. I understand your worth and your presence in my life. Grief, you undo me time and time again. Just when I think I’m okay, the floor drops out and I’m on my knees unable to catch my breath.
Searching for John in the great beyond alone was defeating. I miss him more than words can say. The most vital part of me is gone. The anguish I feel everyday is real, as real as the love I hold for John each and everyday. So maybe, just maybe I do feel him. I just needed to open up my mind and heart to it and feel for his messages from heaven for me.
My granddaughter Nora, always tells me Papa is here with us. She'll say "Grandma, he is right there. See." She looks up at the sky and blows him kisses and gives him the finger (its something he started and she does it all the time now ) I am sure he laughs every time she does it and sends one right back to her full of love and silliness.
The funny thing is John was very logical and this would not be his thing, but he knows me better than anyone, if he could and it was possible, he would use whatever means available to let me know he loves me and he is watching over all of us. That he is with us, deep within each one of our hearts. I'm feeling less defeated in our connection, hopeful. I’m listening a little more intently and I’m open to feeling his presence if any of this is really possible.
I don’t know where you are in this journey but I want you to know however you are grieving is exactly your right way. No one can tell you if its right or wrong. No one can tell you how to feel. No one can tell not to cry or you don't cry enough. No one has had your exact experience. So, just know if you see or feel your loved one in numbers, feathers, pennies, dreams, kittens, dogs, birds, butterflies or breezes, that’s yours to hold onto. If you don’t feel anything there is nothing wrong with you. Remember each one of us has their own grief story. My story right here maybe in my minds eye, but at this point I don't care, my heart is telling me he is with me... right now my head is listening to my heart.
I hold space and love for each one of you grieving any loss of any kind.
We all have a story.
John Peter, I love you forever, I will miss you always. Till we meet again.